MONDAY
Another Monday! This series does help me really keep track of days and time passing - is that a good thing??
I was pooped from our day in the sun yesterday that I fell asleep before 11pm - wild!
I did in fact wake up to my alarm today - great for me, progress.
I was really excited to get back to training today. Breaks are great, and so is going back to training with a good attitude.
We usually start back with a ton of basics, which I really enjoy. I’ve always loved technique and those little improvements.
When I was journaling yesterday, I always seem to come back to this idea that my default setting is taking things so seriously. I understand where that comes from - there have been many times where I have needed to take life seriously, but I think it’s also cost me being present in many moments where I didn’t need to be.
The season is over for me - a bummer - but as I was doing my basics today, my coach just plainly said “you know… now you can do the fun things, hey?”. And I was like - god damn, I was literally thinking about this last night and I’ve already fallen back into that pattern.
I think I did a good job of being light today, but in my own head, it’s about fixing all these little things in my technique, when in reality…. that is not what this phase of training is. Again, I’m just too serious right now.
There are a couple things that I would really love to work on this off-season. There have been skills that I used to have that I haven’t done in forever and even a couple that I’m not totally sure I can still do, but I really want to pursue them again.
My intention with training is to bring less baggage into everything, take it as it comes and enjoy it… god forbid a boy enjoys his hobbies!!
Off to the city to hopefully find a crib board!
TUESDAY
Ugh, there is something so refreshing going back to training when your year is over lol. If you can compartmentalize, I would recommend!
Training was great this morning. It’s been a really good vibe in the gym this training camp. I’m happy to working on some new/old skills. I will try and get some videos this week! Tomorrow is the last day of camp, and I am also looking forward to a bit more of a break. I can’t keep up with these youngins like I used to!
I have been doing mornings at training, which I love, because it gets me up and at ‘em, and then I have my evenings free. Truly, since I can remember? 7, 8 years old? I have always had things to do in the evenings - gym, volleyball, coaching, evening classes. My life has never had evenings off, ever.
I do notice on weeks like this how much I love having free evenings. I got home early last night, made dinner, cleaned up the kitchen and my apartment, reached out to everyone I needed to, checked my e-mails and then crawled into bed by 8pm to watch the 90 Day Fiance: Tell All. There are very few days on a normal week where I am even home before 8:30pm, let alone gotten my life together to go to bed.
It does feel like a little vacation or treat, but I always find after two weeks that I’m ready to go back to my normal routine. I don’t know if it’s because I live alone but if I had a “normal” life, I would have no idea what to do with my evenings. I would have to fill them with something.
I was out for coffee and playing crib with a friend today telling this story and she asked how I picture my evenings when I’m done training and I really don’t know. It feels novel to have evenings off right now, but I am sure it will leave a huge void. I have truly never not been busy in the evenings.
I went to the city yesterday to try and find a crib board, to no avail. It’s crazy because I feel like you can find a crib board at some gas stations at home and here I can’t even find one in a game store. Cultural difference!
I was telling my friends that they could probably learn the rules better than I could teach them if they just wanted to play on an app on their phones. It usually counts your points for you and explains why you scored your points - I think it would be more helpful than my dumbass.
As I was thinking about it on the bus to training this morning, I had the grand idea to look up if I could find an app that was simply a crib board, not an automated game. And wouldn’t you know it, there were plenty!
We spent part of the afternoon sitting in the shade (the sun is more and more consistent lately), drinking coffee and playing crib - half in real life and half on my phone. It was great!
WEDNESDAY
I feel like the spark got lost so long ago, I didn’t even remember what it felt like. This week was the first week in as long as I can remember that I truly, truly, truly enjoyed training. There was no pressure, I didn’t take it super seriously, it didn’t stress me out. I always find it hard to come back after a break - just getting back into that routine, but once I got there Monday, I really had a great time.
I know that my energy and perspective can really influence a room - good or bad. This week I felt really present and I think it was good for me and the team. I did a lot of skills I haven’t in a long time. I really noticed and was intentional to show up and really be there this week - participate in all aspects.
One thing I wrote about last night was showing up for yourself. I’ve noticed in the past few weeks, the more I show up and do the things I want to do (training, writing these, etc.) it really does build your confidence and trust in yourself. I also acknowledge that there is a baseline of capacity needed to show up for yourself in any way, and the harder or bigger things you want to do, it requires more capacity. So there are a few things in play here.
It’s so funny when I go home, and particualrly when I see one of my old friends parents, they always ask about the Olympics. Like the one thing in my career that has been elusive has been the Olympics. And in a way, that’s true. I’ve competed at every level on an event, except for the Olympics and the World Games.
Growing up, we are conditioned for that to be our dream. You make it, you win and you’re happy. You don’t make it, you’re a failure and it was all for nothing - that’s certainly the messaging I received.
I reflect so often (can you tell??) on the last five or six years since reporting and how much I have changed. What really broke inside of me reporting was total loss of faith in this system that I trusted and gave my life over to. The sporting system promised if you were good and worked hard, you could do anything. I sold a lot of soul to achieve that promised outcome.
Even through the reporting process and trying to figure out my place in Gymnastics after that, there was still this part of me that wanted to work and achieve within the system, even if I didn’t trust it or believe in it. The Olympics plays such a big part of it. Ultimately, the Olympics are the final boss, the golden goose, the epitome of the sport system.
Every Olympics since, I have always had a hard time watching them. I understand the sacrifice and the pay off (for most!), but I also see the people the who sold their soul and who it won’t pay off for. I can’t look in that mirror yet.
Part of the reason of moving away, wherever I ended up, was to get out of the Canadian sport system for a while and hopefully get my head above water. It took a little longer than I anticipated, but I think we are there. Check in again next week because if I’m sure of anything in this life, it’s ebbs and flows.
I have not been happy with my level for the past five years, even through my bouts of self-compassion and understanding that maybe there were more things at play.
This shift in perspective, therapy, whatever you want to call it over the last five or six months has really opened up my eyes to the grief of being an athlete - the unlived dreams, the trauma, the sacrifice, how much we put on hold, how much pressure is on certain moments to make up for what we’ve given.
I think had I gotten back to a “good” level anytime before the last few weeks, I would have fallen back into the same pattern I had before - being a good, silent, little boy who would do anything for the sport system outcomes.
I feel very untethered, floating through the gymnastics world without a super specific goal in mind now. Part of it is freeing, part of it is panic-inducing.
I don’t know what the future holds or what the next big dream within sport is, and I don’t think it’s healthy for me to have that concrete fantasy.
What I do know is my perspective and relationship to this sport, what I want from it, and what I am willing to do to be happy within it has completely changed. I have tremendous compassion for people who chase the Olympics or a similar big dream. I have a hard time believing there is a healthy way to do it.
For me, showing up for myself in sport is so much bigger than a result now. I feel like I’ve had many chances and second chances in this sport, and I can’t believe that I get the chance to do it now in a healthier way.
I think I can make positive changes, have fun, challenge myself, tell stories and be wonderful in this sport still, and for me, that’s enough to stay.
THURSDAY, FRIDAY, SATURDAY
Workout to Conquer Cancer has officially started! Every. Single. Year. there is the stress that no one will sign up and no one will donate. And every single year, I am shocked by the support.
The overall W2CC community - the people that run it, the other teams, etc. are incredibly wonderful, but it is weird to a degree that the longer Tamara has been gone, the less people participate..? I do feel an obligation to keep her memory alive. And the more I make content for our Instagram, the more I realize that I essentially run a fan account… Wild times!
These few days have been jam packed with work things. Trying to make some headway before returning back to normal on Monday. Nothing major to report!
SUNDAY
I saw an interview with Adam Scott, whom I love, about a new movie that looked spooky as hell, so I decided I had to go today. I went to the theatre early to grab lunch and get a ticket, and the movie wasn’t being shown at the times it said online. I had my lunch, got my ticket for the evening and went home.
It is day three of Workout to Conquer Cancer, and today was my official first, real running day. I’ve committed to cardio this month. I had a BLAST. Shocking information for all involved.
As I was running today, a memory from a 2018 training camp popped up. We had just had our third National Team Trials and the team was announced that I was going to Worlds, and for the few days after, we had a training camp. We had a new, much better National Team Coach, and I remember him being floored, truly floored at how hard I worked. He wasn’t the first of my coaches that I worked with that was shocked that I work hard, and I remember thinking “am I not performing ‘hard working athlete’ good enough?”. Every single day, he commented on how hard I worked. I know I give off a monotone, aloof vibe, but I figured with my results that there was at least some implied hard work in getting to that point?
It popped into my head today because May is really the only month where I honestly document workouts, cardio, whatever you have it, and it’s a weird thing to perform for others. If I were to just go for a run, I’m not thinking about which angles to film, what to say, what story to tell. And I find the same thing with my career - did I miss out on something by not performing “serious, hard working athlete” enough? I feel like I’ve been around long enough to see through other people’s performances like that, but many people buy into it.
It’s a weird dichotomy between perceived hard work and real hard work, and May really reflects that back to me!
I took a breathwork class after my run today. I, naively, thought it was going to be learning about breathwork, different ways to do it, etc. but it was a little speech from the leader and then 35 minutes of guided breathwork (essentially meditation). I could totally see where it’s helpful, but I for one cannot focus on anything for 35 minutes. It was good to experience, and my research into beginner-friendly breathwork continues.
I saw Hokum, the Adam Scott movie, and it was fab. One of the spookiest, jumpiest movies I have ever seen - right up my alley! The story moved quite quickly and the jumps started early, which is rare and great for a horror. The story was fun and quite grounded, and wrapped up with a nice little message. Would recommend if you like scary movies!
TTYS,
RS